Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the Super 14 Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super 14 Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head.... “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Don't Trust People--No Matter How Nice They Seem

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Differences between Swine Flu and Bird Flu

You Have Swine Flu If:

• When you sneeze, you go, “Ah.. ah… ah… charsiew!”
• And after you finish sneezing, you go, “Abidee-abidee-abidee, that’s all folks.”
• You feel the need to rub yourself with oinkment.
• People suddenly start calling you “Babe” for no apparent reason.
• You keep annoying the bak kut teh uncle by asking him if you can pop into his pot for a quick bath.
• Your Muslim buddies all defriend you on Facebook.

You Have Bird Flu If:

• You can’t walk without simultaneously bobbing your head.
• In your fevered state, you keep thinking you saw a puddytat.
• You keep screeching, “Polly wants some Panadol!”
• You have to fight the urge to poop on cars.
• When you Twitter, you literally twitter.
• For some reason, a lot of Hainanese hawkers want to friend you on Facebook.

Automotive Acronyms

BMW - Big Money Waste

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

DODGE - Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT - Fix It Again Tomorrow

FORD - Found On Road Dead

GM - Grinding Metal

GMC - Gotta Mechanic Coming

HONDA - Hold On, Not Done Accelerating

JEEP - Just Enough Engine Power

KIA - Killed In Action

MAZDA - Made At Zoo by Demented Apes

MG - Mostly Garaged

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday

PINTO - Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants

PLYMOUTH - Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood

PONTIAC - Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE - Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive

SUBARU - Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath

TOYOTA - The One You Ought To Avoid

VW - Virtually Worthless

10 Amusing Facts about Google

Here are some amusing facts about Google.

1. Google got its name by accident. The founders misspelled the word "googol," which refers to the number 1 followed by 100 zeroes. The word was chosen to reflect the company’s goal of organizing the massive amound of information that is available on the Internet.

2. The Google home page is so sparse because the founders did not know HTML and just wanted to create a quick interface.

3. At first, there was not even a "submit" button. Users had to hit the "return" key to generate a Google search.

4. Google’s search technology is called PageRank (tm). It assigns an "importance" value to each page on the Web and gives it a rank. But that is not why the technnology is called PageRank. In fact, it is named after Google co-founder Larry page.

5. Google’s traffic doubled when they introduced their "Did you mean…" feature. This feature was made possible by a much-improved spell checker.

6. Google users apparently never feel "lucky," since the "I feel lucky" is almost never used. However, in trials it was discovered that users saw it as a comfort button and did not want it removed.

7. Brin and Page would hang out at the Stanford computer science department’s loading docks in hopes of borrowing newly-arrived PCs to use in their network.

8. Google’s first data center was Larry Page’s dorm room.

9. When Page and Brin tried to find buyers to license their search technology, one portal CEO told them "As long as we’re 80 percent as good as our competitors, that’s good enough. Our users don’t really care about search."

10. The first major investor Andy Bechtolsheim on of the founders of Sun Microsystems wrote a check for $100,00 after seeing a quick demo. At first, there was no way to deposit the $100,000 check. It was made out to "Google Inc.," but there was no legal entity with that name. The check sat in Page’s desk drawer for two weeks while he and Brin rushed to set up a corporation and locate other investors.

Golfing the Logical Way

I didn’t think it’d be appropriate to laugh, but I did anyway

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on an average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on an average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

HAPPY GOLFING

What Have You Learnt Today?

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…Any part under a car’s hood.
Male…..The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…..Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female…The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male…..Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…..Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.
Female…A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…..Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…..A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male…..Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male…..A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Camouflage: The Best Weapon of Nature

Types of Orgasm for a Woman

There Are At Least EIGHT Types Of ORGASM FOR A WOMAN.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes......... ......
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.......... .......
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No.........
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...... ....
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God......... ......... ....
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More........ ......... .
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you
8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH.. .Deeper.. .Deeper.. . GO DEEPER!!

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What stage of Life are you into?

Women's Brain

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Actual Quotes from the TV Show Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine -
A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A nonliving object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

English phrase -- Chinese Interpretation

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. --Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man --Dum Gai

Small Horse --Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!! --No Bai Dam Ding!!

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table --Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift --Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here --Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? --Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. --Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet --Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow-away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright --Yu So Dum

I got this for free --Ai No Pei

I am not guilty --Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. --Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week --Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile --Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive -- Yu stin ki pu

Pew! does this bathroom stink! -- Hu Flung Dung?

How Dirty is Your Mind?

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?

ANSWERS:

1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

Funny | Stupid Questions

They say that there are no "Stupid Questions".... well think again.

The best of those stupid, dumb, and funny questions. Some of them really make you think, some make your laugh, and some are just plain stupid…

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
* If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others
here for?
* If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whats a question with no answer called?
* Why is a square meal served on round plates?
* Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?
* If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
* Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
* Can you cry under water?
* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Funny Facts

# Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.
# The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
# The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
# 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
# Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
# Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
# The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
# The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot. ( Don't forget Moms )
# Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
# The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
# If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green
# On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over theParliament building is an American flag.
# Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
# An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
# A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

Crazy Facts

1. The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.
2. Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on the moon.
3. Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.
4. Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.
5. If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
6. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."
7. There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
8. Singapore has only one train station.
9. The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.
10. The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.
11. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
12. Every year, the Moon moves a further 3.82cm from the Earth.
13. Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
14. There are more than 1,00 chemicals in a cup of coffee.
15. Blue and white are the most common school colors.
16. On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.
17. The tip of a 2cm long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph
18. There is about 200 times more gold in the worlds oceans, than has been mined in our entire history.
19. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
20. Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
21. The cockroach has a high resistance to radiation and is the creature most likely to survive a nuclear war.

A gift that would last Forever