True Facts Of Life

1. Even when opportunity knocks, you still have to get off your ass and open the door.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
6. Bad decisions make good stories.
7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection...again.
9. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
10. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
11. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
12. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
13. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
17. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
18. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
19. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!